[Once again, ripped from the CNN page... and, once again, it involves monkeys attacking humans. They sure do run a lot of these stories on their page. I think that there are some monkeys in high places working at CNN... or maybe a monkey mob (La Cosa Monkey) who wants to demonstrate what happens to humans who don't pay their "protection"... or humans who pay in bananas that are already going brown.]

NIKKO, Japan (CNN) -- Cheeky monkeys may be good for entertainment, but they've gone a bit too far with their antics at a famous Japanese tourist site erected in their honor. In order to keep the monkey business under control, there are now surveillance cameras -- and a researcher taking notes.

The focus of the problem is a temple at Nikko, northeast of Tokyo, which is the home to the famed "Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil" monkey sculpture. The sculpture depicts three monkeys covering their ears, eyes, and mouth respectively.

But the site has seen a bit too much monkey business recently: Not only have the animals been grabbing tourists' purses and handbags, they've also begun literally biting the hands that feed them.

Ecologists blame the aggressiveness on the tourists' eagerness to feed the monkeys. The once-cute animals have apparently come to expect too much from their visiting benefactors, and even seem to get annoyed by them.

The monkeys have also become a problem for the local gift shop's owners: there have been incidents when the primates pried open shop doors, grabbed what they could and bolted with their ill-gotten gains.

The monkey's high-jinks are now being scrutinized in a bid [I'll give you twenty for the one that looks like DeNiro.]to find ways of controlling them. Surveillance cameras have been set up in a gift shop to keep an eye on them, and a researcher in a van outside has been taking notes.

[Ecologists plan to add a fourth "Don't steal stuff" monkey sculpture to the original three in the hopes of curbing the primates' larcenous tendencies.]

TOKYO (AP) The excitement, or perhaps the pressure, apparently was too much for Sultan. The 28-year-old male gorilla, specially moved to a cage to mate with three females, instead dropped dead.

The 400-pound lowland gorilla ran around briefly and played with his new friends Monday, then suddenly collapsed, apparently after suffering a heart attack, said Kunihiko Yasui, head of animal breeding at Kyoto Municipal Zoo.

Sultan was on a "breeding loan" from Ueno Zoo in Tokyo, 230 miles east of Kyoto. World zoos have had difficulty breeding the lowland gorilla, considered on the brink of extinction.

A veterinarian from the zoo rushed to give the gorilla artificial resuscitation but to no avail, Yasui said. ["Go ahead, you try fitting your mouth over a gorilla's mouth," Yasui challenged.]

"We'd had him in a cage next to the females since mid-January and thought it would be OK to release him. This is really unfortunate," Yasui said.["We'd already sold the rights to Gorillas in the Mist 2: Primed 'n' Ready Primates to Universal Pictures."]

While age may have been a factor in Sultan's death, he wasn't over the hill by gorilla standards. Lowland gorillas typically live to age 35.

It is the most numerous of the three subspecies of gorillas, though only an estimated 100,000 lowland gorilla survive in the wilds of western Africa.

Releasing Sultan with three females was an effort to improve the chance of fertilization. Male lowland gorillas in the wild typically mate with several females. [Gorillas are so lucky... multiple partners *and* "breeding loans."]

Sultan's pelt could end up in science exhibits for school children, Yasui added. [This is what happens when you think about sex too much, kids.]

The vast military industial complex raised it's ugly multi-tentacled head again today in its continued conspiracy to keep the monkey down.

I am of course refering to today's episode of the Superman Adventures cartoon on the WB. The Episode was about Titano the poor lab monkey which the military heartlessly ripped from the bossom of a pre-pubescent Lois Lane [No comment.]to shoot recklessly into space. Through an array of amazing coincidences Titano found his way back to earth to wreak havok on a human race that had swept their horrible space mission mistake and its concequences under the rug twenty years ago.

In typical hollywood fashion, the protagonist (Superman), luckily has his fat pulled from the fire by happy coincidence of another character's doing and stops Titano's march to greatness as the ruler of our monkey-lovin' world.

Who knows what Titano's final potential could have been? He could have been the largest monkey of all time 'til that meddling Lois Lane tricked Titano long enough for S.T.A.R. Labs (read Government back-pocket boys) to find a way to stop his random growth spurts.

The final insult is when they (you know... THEY) banish Titano to some Monster Isle in the heart of nowhere, again insuring no one will ever know the evil they had perpetrated on this simple, fun-loving, family monkey.

Oh... and don't even get me started about the blantant harmful stereotype perpetuated in this episode by the outdated organ-grinding monkey doll. [What's wrong with organ-grinding monkeys?]

NARBONNE, France (AP) -- Chimpanzees at a wild animal park in southern France attacked a noisy construction crew that woke them up, mauling one worker so badly he needed 30 stitches in his face and neck.

Another worker escaped by jumping into a pond; five other park employees hid in a walk-in freezer until Tuesday's attack was over.

The work crew had been fixing the ceiling of an empty animal shelter early Tuesday morning when it inadvertently woke up the chimpanzees, who were in a nearby shelter, park officials said. [One should always let sleeping monkeys lie...unless they're in your bed, in which case you should politely awaken them and ask that they sleep in a frigging tree because houses are for people.]

One of the chimps broke through a window, and seven other animals followed behind. The chimps fell upon the workers, ripping open one man's cheeks and neck.

Another worker scratched his hand when he jumped into a pond to get away, police said.

The chimps then charged the park's office building, breaking some windows. Five employees in the building hid in the walk-in freezer for an hour until firefighters arrived.

Authorities eventually used a tranquilizer gun to subdue the chimps.

Copyright 1998 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. [Um...OK]